...mindless post numero uno.

7.23 pm.

Left office, exasperated. At times considering suicide. Seek help from a friend to get a .38 but to no avail (I guess that guy must have thought that I was joking).

It was a typical day in the office; came in late, read emails, rush for a quick breakfast. Hey ho. I am ready to conquer the world!

Bullshit.

Towards the end of the day I end up crying my heart out. Work-related stress.. Maybe because I was having my period that day. First day, mood swing like a pendulum. Left and right, non-stop. At times you thought of quitting but you know when you quit you are better off dead.

Thinking of calling friends. Maybe this one will listen. Nope. She's busy. Not picking up. Try another friend. Nope, this person is also as screwed-up like me. Oh, this friend might be able to help. Towards the end of the conversation, this person actually said - "Hey, I guess you can actually work this out on your own." Nice touch there buddy. I will say that to you when you call me for advise later. Another, I couldn't even bother to ask. The standard response.."Hmm.."

So in the end, time to hit the 'Stop' button. Hey, people ain't gonna be there for you all the time, bitch. Move on.

One guy told me that I should never have expectation on other people. Or to expect any kind of return. Ikhlas, the Muslim Malays would say. Sincerity. OK..

I found myself a new best friend - an unlit cigarette - my attempt to start an unnecessary and wasteful habit of smoking.

It's just a matter of time before I took that fateful whiff, and then decide whether this is a good friend or not. At least I can pretend that the cigarette butt will listen to my problem. I told my husband I'm going to start smoking. He even jokes about it - "Go green honey, let's do grass". He thinks I am not going to do it. Boy, you'll be surprised...

To fellow smokers out there, rejoice! I'll be joining you in the pantries, staircases, sidewalk, smoking-areas in restaurants. Hell, my hotel room preferences after this will be 'Smoking Rooms'.

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